I will begin the post here, because that is the first space available to type. I am a 71 year old metalhead who works for the Canadian government as a music filter. Basically it is my sworn duty to listen to music and filter out the artists who threaten the security and intelligience of our beautiful nation. Because of me, we Canadians are free from the likes of barbaric bands such as Disturbed, Everclear, and of course, Beyoncé. Holy shit, wordpress puts the little ‘ over the e on Beyoncé automatically, but doesn’t recognize wordpress or Everclear as words. Weird.
But I digress. Do not fret freedom loving Americans. For every lame musician I censor, I have given my people true talent like Rush, Justin Bieber, and of course, Kataklysm. Now them dudes kick ass. Their all like, “AS I SLITHER, I SLITHER DOWN YOUR SPINE!” And I’m all like, “No dudes! Don’t slither! Don’t Slither!”
I had to stop typing that paragraph. I got so scared I pissed myself. I need more dependable adult diapers. Depends are just to wishy washy. I never know if they will absorb it all or not. Like a friend who says they will meet you for coffee on your lunch break but then doesn’t show. You call and of course get no answer. And she doesn’t answer her phone even though it rings for like a minute, and she always has her phone! Then she texts you like four hours later with some bullshit excuse about how she locked her phone in the car and had to get a tow. But how did she call a tow truck? And perhaps more suspicious, why didn’t she call a locksmith?
So now that none of you are still reading, the real post! I hate the direction metal is going. Not the genre itself, but by the fact that when I wrote metal, 99% of you immediately asked yourselves, “Which type of metal is he talking about?” I’m talking about all of the subgenres and how people react when they find out you listen to hardcore, or death, or melodic death, or Doom, or Thrash, or Canadian Hyperblast!!! Fuck yeah! Hyperblast! Its all fucking metal. Who gives a shit if Trivium sounds exactly like Metallica. At least they sound better than Metallica does now. And don’t even get me started on Christian metal. I love that shit, but them dudes ain’t always so Christian, Tim Lambessis. Its almost always a marketing ploy. With some exceptions of course. I heard The Crimson Armada just went double Murr! That’s just like platinum!
- Jesse Leach, what the hell bro? We all get it, you are a sensitive dude. You have emotions and a taste for the finer things in life. Like wine, and smiling when you shouldn’t during a metal song. But cut the shit dude. You used to be badass. Rusted embrace was hostile man, hostile. And then you got all depressed or whatever and left the band and that’s cool Jesse. That happens to lots of people. Sometimes people just need a new situation. You did your own thing and now your back. I was stoked when I heard that you were reuniting with Killswitch but then I heard the overdone clean vocals and got pissed. Scream dude! Scream! You sound like Danzig. Not in a good way. I worry that you may be misfit ya hoser.
- The Human Abstract is a long name. Play some shows and quit holding out or we will all forget what THA stands for pretty soon and it will just gradually replace “the” in everybody’s vocabulary.
- My depends may be leaking fluid.
- Devin Fucking Townsend.
- Fit For An Autopsy makes me happy on rainy days. On sunny days I like to jam some Protest The Hero, the 4th best Canadian band of all time. On sunny days though, they are the best. Don’t believe me? Listen to a whole album. And focus. Shit is brilliant. Like Rush on crystal meth. With more musicians and less sweat. Rush sweats. A lot. Front row gets soaked. If they played long enough in a closed space clouds would form. Then it would rain sweat. Fact.
- I also like this new band called Alice in Chains.
- I wish Sumatra didn’t suck so bad because I love them.
- Whitechapel needs another guitar player. The rhythm section just wasn’t chunky enough on the last release. More songs next time too. Like 22 or some stupid number. Just split into two groups and write a double album. The drummer will be the all time quarterback and work with both groups. I think his name is Alex or something. Who cares, he’s a fucking drummer. Phil only gets to write vocals with one group. Have one of your stupid guitar players not named Alex write the other vocals. I figure it will piss Bozeman off so bad that he might actually write some pissed off shit again. Let him go emo Alex. Even if he seems all angry, depressed, and down. Just remember that I’ll be happy. And that is what matters most.